


someone who could hear

by EmmaArthur (EchoBleu)



Series: map out a world [4]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Alec Lightwood Deserves Nice Things, Autism, Autistic Alec Lightwood, Domestic Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Magnus is amazing, Non-Sexual Intimacy, Prompt Fill, Sharing a Bed, Stimming, Supportive Magnus Bane, Tumblr Prompt, autistic shutdown
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-08
Updated: 2020-12-08
Packaged: 2021-03-10 02:15:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,609
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27962888
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/EchoBleu/pseuds/EmmaArthur
Summary: Alec gets overloaded in a Cabinet meeting and shuts down. Magnus is there to help.
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: map out a world [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1883944
Comments: 24
Kudos: 268
Collections: Autistic Alec Lightwood





	someone who could hear

**Author's Note:**

> This is a fill for an anonymous prompt I was sent on Tumblr: "Ooohh can I ask for something soft, intimate, and hurt/comfort-y featuring both "Come here." & "You're trembling" (together) 😚"
> 
> Thank you so much to [EternallySilver](https://archiveofourown.org/users/EternallySilverMagnusandAlec/pseuds/EternallySilverMagnusandAlec) for betaing. The title is from Radical Face's The Mute which is a beautiful song Silver just recced me.
> 
> [CW: autistic shutdown, light self-harming stims]

Alec opens his mouth, trying to raise his voice enough to go over the racket of everyone in the room yelling at the same time, but he fails to utter a single word. He wants to clasp his hand over his ears and curl up into a ball – or better, run away to a quiet corner. The Institute’s chapel sounds like heaven right now. But he’s in the middle of a Cabinet meeting and he simply can’t afford it.

Instead, he stands up brutally, his chair screeching on the stone floor. The noise dies down immediately. He feels their stares on him, heavy and expectant. He tries to speak again, but his throat feels constricted, tears rising to his eyes. He blinks them away before they can show on the outside and clasps his hands behind his back tightly, digging his nails into his palm.

He knows how he must look,  towering over them mutely, his gaze firmly on the table. He can’t think straight enough to change it. His head is ringing and he can’t make his words work. He hates this, but he can’t even move to flee.

“Let’s adjourn this meeting,” Magnus says, his voice low but authoritative. He makes a simple gesture, and everyone else nods. They file out quickly, with no more than a glance at Alec, who doesn’t move. They understand.

Somehow, they understand.

It should be the height of irony that Alec feels safer here, surrounded by Downworlders – Maia and Bat, Raphael and Simon, Magnus and Catarina, the entirety of the current Cabinet excluding Izzy who is in Idris on a mission – than he could ever feel in a meeting with the Clave.  He dreads finding himself like this in front of the Consul or the new Inquisitor one day, unable to speak or make his body obey his commands. He doubts they  woul d look kindly on him.

M agnus comes closer, staying carefully within Alec’s field of vision. He reaches out with one hand, but doesn’t touch Alec.

“It’s just us,” he says. “Do you want to stay here or go home?”

Alec rolls back on his heels. He wants to...he doesn’t know. He can barely keep his thought process focused for long enough to figure out the implications of either options, and more importantly, he can’t decide. Choosing is beyond him. He shakes his head with something that sounds too much like a whimper to his ears.

“Do you want me to decide?” Magnus asks.

Alec nods, his hands still clenched behind his back. He knows – they’ve discussed this before – that Magnus is doing his best to help while still giving him the ability to decide for himself, and he’s usually thankful for that, but right now it’s just frustrating. He’s stuck, and he doesn’t want to move, to change, but it’s the only way it’s going to get better.

Magnus has opened a portal in the few seconds it takes Alec to parse this. “Go on through, Alexander,” he says, and it’s what gets Alec in motion. He finally manages to unclench his hands as he steps through, gritting his teeth against the sensation of being sucked through – he hates it, but it’s over very fast, and a sense of calmness falls over him as soon as he’s back in the loft.

He finds himself facing the bay windows, but the curtains are drawn, so the light only hurts his eyes a little. The quiet makes him realize how taxing the constant buzz of noise is at the Institute, even when he’s not in the middle of a screaming match between disagreeing Downworlders.

Magnus deftly avoids running into him when he comes behind him, even though Alec has stopped right out of the portal without thinking. “ Home sweet home,” he murmurs. “Can I touch you?”

Alec shakes his head immediately, hoping that Magnus won’t take it personally. His own clothes itch and burn his skin right now, distorting his perception of his own body.

“Alright,” Magnus says without changing his tone. “We can get you to the bedroom to rest for a bit. Does that sound good?”

Alec nods, more to Magnus’ tone than the content of his question. He trusts Magnus. He trusts Magnus more than he trusts himself, especially right now.

“Come with me, Alexander,” Magnus coaxes. “Bedroom.”

Alec struggles to make his brain process it, then to get his body moving past the petrifying exhaustion. He rocks on his heels a few times, his hands hitting each other almost beyond his will, knuckles against palm, hard. The pain sends a small jolt through his body.

Magnus flinches a little, but doesn’t try to stop him. “Come with me,” he repeats softly.

Alec walks behind him, stiffly, feeling like his body doesn’t really belong to him, like he doesn’t know how to move his lanky legs fluidly. He hits his shoulder on the doorframe, hard enough for the pain to register in some part of his mind. Magnus makes an aborted motion to reach out, but Alec flinches back against  his will .

“Here,” Magnus murmurs. “You need to take off your shoes. Unless you’re ready to let me do it.”

Alec closes his eyes tightly, until he sees stars, and makes a hand motion he hopes Magnus will understand.

“By magic? I can do that. Your clothes too? You’ll be more comfortable in sweats.”

Alec nods, still standing too straight by the bed. Magnus makes a deliberately wide gesture with his hand, and both of their outfits change at the same time, Magnus into one of his workout outfits and Alec into the sweats he usually sleeps in. They’re both barefoot, and Alec flexes his toes, relishing and mourning the loss of his shoes at the same time.

Magnus lifts the covers on Alec’s side of the bed as Alec tries not to squirm inside the new clothes. The sweats are worn and soft, but the change is jarring all the same.  He shudders and hits his fists together a few times to get rid of the crawling feeling.

“You can lie down,” Magnus says, taking a step back.

A s soon as Alec’s knees hit the bed, he folds in on himself, melting into the mattress like a puppet whose strings have been removed. Magnus pulls the covers back on his body, deftly avoiding touching him, and adds Alec’s weighted blanket on top. Alec sighs in contentment as the weight settles over him, turning him into a puddle.  His world shrinks until it’s bearable again, his skin no longer two sizes too small for his body.

Magnus gets under the covers on his side, sometime in the seconds – minutes? – it takes Alec to settle down. Alec doesn’t bother trying to track his movement, trusting him not to do anything painful. “Better?” Magnus murmurs, lower than he usually would, his hands inches from Alec’s face but not touching.

They’re both lying on their sides, facing each other, Alec curled up in a ball and Magnus stretched out. Alec nods and even manages a hum.

“Come here,” Magnus murmurs, scouting a little closer. “You’re trembling.”

Alec’ s eyes sluggishly find his hands and he realizes that Magnus is right. He’s shaking. He’s cold – no, not cold exactly, but the tension seeping out of his body leaves him off-balance, unable to self-regulate. His teeth are shattering.

“Do you think you can handle me if I squeeze hard?” Magnus asks.

Alec thinks about it. It takes him too long, he knows that, but Magnus is patient. He waits without moving, expectant but not pressing.

_ Maybe _ , Alec tries to convey with a half-nod.

He braces himself. For a fraction of a second, as Magnus closes his hand around his, he feels like he might explode, but Magnus squeezes almost hard enough to hurt, and the pressure helps. Alec almost unconsciously pulls Magnus closer, wanting more of his warmth and his weight. “You want me to lie on you?” Magnus asks, not resisting.

Alec nods, since that’s what his body is clearly craving. They’ve done this before, and it’s a little hit-or-miss, but Alec has come to love it. Magnus is careful not to  graze him as he climbs on top of him, deliberately digging his knees and elbows into Alec’s skin. It hurts, but in a way that appeases the urge to hi t his hands or his head on something. 

Alec does his best to avoid hurting Magnus himself by touching him, but his control is poor and Magnus gently replaces his hands a couple of times before they’re both comfortable. Alec melts under the pressure on his whole body, Magnus’ head tucked under his chin, his soft breathing giving him a rhythm to follow. 

H e should feel trapped, unable to move as he is, but he doesn’t. He feels...loved. Cared for. Magnus understands him without words. He’s the one person who doesn’t make him feel embarrassed when he shuts down like this, who just calmly and unquestioningly helps.

When he feels settled enough, Alec removes one hand from Magnus’ grasp and signs T-Y, as Magnus is not in a position to see the regular  _ thank you _ sign. Magnus nods against his chest. “You’re welcome, Alexander,” he says quietly. “Want me to get off you?”

Alec shakes his head, his chin brushing against Magnus’ gelled hair. It tickles, and he lets out a small laugh, his free hand fluttering at his side.

“I’m staying right here, then,” Magnus says, a smile in his voice. 

Alec closes his eyes, exhausted but feeling grounded. They both fall asleep within minutes, even though it’s the middle of the day. 

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and kudos make my day! I'd love to hear your thoughts. I'm also on [Tumblr](https://emma-arthur.tumblr.com/) if you want to chat.


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